I Think I'm Paralyzed

Dearest Alex,

I'm paralyzed! I woke up this morning intending to go throug my usual routine, or rather, to get back to my usual routine, because I have not gone through my usual routine in over a week, but tennis interfered. Đoković was playing against Murrey, and though I intended to do Pilates to stretch my mind and body, I got distracted. Giving up on Pilates! I prepared breakfast and was about to watch some tennis and enjoy Novak's victory, when he started to loose! He was leading 5 2 in games in the last set, and then Murrey won 3 games! I started to feel sick in my stomach, so I stopped watching. (Few hours later my dad informed me that Nole managed to get into the finals.)

Why am I writing this?

I'm writing this, because this incident probably led to my mental paralysis. That's the problem with being an artists; artists are overly sensitive. We have to be, because when we create art it is not the sensible part of us that is at work, but the wild, crazy, emotional part, that the sensible desperately works to control. When an overly emotional event grips an artist's body, the sensible part looses, and you end up behaving in a way that others commonly identify with the "artistic temperament". 

So, the bottom line is that I felt irrationally upset. What does it matter to me who wins and who looses Australian Open? It's not as if my livelyhood depends on tennis outcomes. Nevertheless, there I was my routine disrupted, trying to calm down by playing Dragonvale and reading "Visions in Death" by J. D. Robb.

That should have made me feel better, but instead had me feeling rather inadequate. There I'm reading a book by the author who writes at least 3 or 4 novels a year (maybe more--I don't know how that woman does it), and I cannot finish one measly book.

I also got a critique back from a friend about my novel, and he tells me to chuck my entire opening, because the audience will not care to read it. I understand that people today have little patience with backstory, but the way I wrote the backstory is to set up clues regarding the fantasy universe of my book. It also makes sense to me to include a little of the backstory, because the book is character driven and the characters live in the fantasy worl, so why would they explain bits and pieces of it as the story goes along. They could refer to past events, maybe, but why would they discuss the creation of their universe, when they are neither philosophers, nor scientists? I love my story, and I can see the need for exposition, but others apparently do not, and the key is to find an agent so that I can share my story with the world. Maybe I should just give the chapters without the backstory, and once they read more than a page of my novel, I could discuss with them the need for the backstory with my novel.

What is it with me? Why can't I tread an already beaten path? Nooooo! I have to stubbornly walk in the wilderness of untried uncertainties.

 So, here I am: paralyzed. Should I sell out, adjust my tale to fit established parameters, or should I go with my gut, struggle to get this published the way I feel deep in my soul that it should be published? Why can't I be living in the East where people know how to stop, breathe in, and enjoy something beautiful, without asking: "What's going to happen next?"

I'm paralysed; so many things to do, that I sit here doing nothing, because I do not know what to do first. Should I work on my Website and new blog--so that maybe I can draw some customers and raise money for local hospitals? Should I study "Starting an Online Business for Dummies"? Should I work on my article? My Valentine's greeting card? Should I try drawing my portrait again, because the last 7 I did look nothing like me and I'm beginning to fear that drawing cartoons has robbed me of the ability to draw realism? (Portraiture is my thing, I was always admired because I got people to look exactly like themselves, better than a camera could capture, because drawing and painting trends to bring out the subject's soul, while only a few photographers manage to accomplish such a thing on film.). Should I get back to working on AIMH?

I'm waiting for a response from my client, so I'm afraid to get bogged down by a big job that I cannot stop to work on a client's job once they get back to me. However, they are not getting back to me, and my day is almost gone.

Paralysis is a terrible thing Alex. So, I'll say goodbye for now and get back to painting AIMH. It is what I really need to get done. However, I do wish I had a Roy (Walt Disney's brother who took care of the business side, while Walt handled the creative side). It is overwhelming being an artist and a businesswoman at the same time. All I want to do is draw and paint, while instead I'm wasting precious time researching, handling reports and marketing. I may need to hire someone, but I have serious trust issues when it comes to my work.

Ah, paralysis.

M

Live and Learn

Dearest Alex,

I'm illustrating for someone else again, and that is the reason I've not been here to talk about my struggle to success; because, at the moment, I'm not struggling. I got the job through a friend, the way I usually get jobs (Internet may be a great source, but so far I've only had one job throug that connection :-) ), and I love working with other creative people. There is nothing quite as satisfying as having a collaborator (all my customers are collaborators, because I like to keep them involved in my creative proccess, so they get exactly what they want) say that I've managed to create their vision. It makes me feel all happy and fuzzy inside, and reminds me of the reason I decided to become an artist despite my family urging me to follow in my dad's footsteps and be an engineer.

As a engineer working for some big company, I would not have the same sense of satisfaction. This pleasure at creating someone's vision is what I should remember on those dark days when nothing seems to go right. It is a pleasure that every artist should never forget when they despair in the throes of a work lull.

I'm also continuing to study. "Starting an Online Business for Dummies" by Greg Holden has a lot of answers to questions I came across, but did not know whom I could ask. I have already concluded that I will have to revamp my Website and have made some progress to that end, but I only have time to work on my site when I'm free on the weekend.

Will inform you the moment new changes are posted. So far no one cares to post a suggestion for a Valentine's Day card. I had this idea of two merpeople about to kiss while forming a heart, and if no one comes up with something better I'll just draw that.

Now, I must get back to work! Yeay!

M

VALENTINE'S DAY CONTES!!!

To thank you all for reading this blog, and supporting me on my journey, I decided to hold a contest. All you need to do is answer the following question: What would you like me to draw on a Valentine? Submitt you entry by January 31. 23:59 EST. I will pick the one I like best, and will post it here so you can download it and use it on Valentine's day. Thank you again for your support! <3 M

Art: Help!

Dearest Alex,

I've been reading "Online Business for Dummies" and have discover that I really am a dummy when it comes to business. I said it before and I'll say it again: "The trouble with ignorance is that one does not know one is ignorant until one is no longer ignorant." By reading that book I have discovered that I will have to update my website, streamline it for business purposes, etc.

It was OK in the beginning, because initially I crated the site as a means of having a ready portfolio available online that companies could view. However, now that I have decided to start selling my art in the form of prints and services I'll have to make it more business savvy. But, let's get down to business...

I have always helped art students, and have patiently answered many questions over the years, because I really do believe in helping others. My desire to be helpful probably stems from the fact that I needed a lot of art help growing up and art help, unfortunately, was not available. I was born into a family of engineers and economists.

In my head I have this image of my parents poking me with a stick, asking each other: "What is it?".

I have always been a mystery to them, and I was a mystery to myself until I got to college at 19 and was surrounded by artists just like me.

So, ART HELP: I have decided to write an article at the beginning of each month to answer questions for artists born into families like mine; children, teenager, and curious adults who are not descended from other artists and therefore do not have a readily available art help source. The first in the series of these articles will be about the very beginning--art supplies, where are they? If you would like to help me spread the knowledge and tell me what useful information you have discovered that you would like to pass on regarding shopping for art supples, feel free to do so by commenting on this blog. I'll see if I can gather as much information as I can and organize it into something that a an artstore novice would find useful.

On a personal note, I'm still painting my illustration for AIMH. That book is the stone that I keep rolling up a hill only to have it roll down an flatten me in the process.

BUT I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!

No, I will not let one book defeat me. One day soon it will be done, and it will be beautiful--that I can promise you. I have also managed to get my hands on an iPad (using it at the moment), so it will be easier than ever to reach me online. Next time I'll write about my Valentines Day plan.

Love,

M

Time Slips Away...

Dearest Alex,

Yesterday I was a vegetable.

I have no idea why.  Is it the weather?  Is it the holiday diet?  Whatever it is, yesterday I was a vegetable.

Today I got up, somewhat spacey, but determined to work through any threatening vegetative states and get some painting out of the way.  In other words, get back to work.

I started the day by reading "Oil Painting Techniques and Materials" by Harold Speed.  A rather interesting book, since it was first published in 1924.  It's interesting, because when you think about it this book was written before the Great Depression, World War II, space age... What the author keeps referring to as "Modern Art" is surely Fauvism.  The language is much more colourful, and the artist keeps going off on tangents that may drive most people crazy today.  I'm fond of reading classics, so the language does not bother me.  However, I am angry at the publishers, because they have not bothered to replace image-plates with colour reproductions.  Honestly, colour printing is not that expensive and it would improve this book 100%.   How can anyone learn anything about colour by looking at a black and white reproduction?  I had to go online and search out those paintings, something I should not have to do if the book was properly updated.  So far that is the only complaint I have, I will let you know what I think of the book once I'm finished with it.

After reading (which I do as I eat breakfast), I got ready for the day, cleaned, had lunch and went off for a walk and to pick up "Starting an Online Business For Dummies" by Gred Holden from the library.  I did some grocery shopping and I came across a poor old man begging for money.  Sights like that kill me inside.  What does it say about our society when we cannot afford to take care of the elderly, but can afford to spend $1000 on designer shoes (if not more, I wouldn't know, none of my shoes are designer)?  I'm against giving money, but I did purchase a $10 giftcard at Tim Hortons, so that the poor man could at least get something to eat.  Though I feel good about doing that, I feel guilty, because my own income at the moment is pretty much non-existent.  Until I get another commission, I really should not spend money that I don't have, but somehow, I could not help it.

I got back home around 15:00 (the day was warm, and they are threatening us with rain and snow tomorrow, so I took a short walk), and I proceeded to sketch a drawing for a friend's birthday--he's turning 30 today--THE BIG ONE!  I intended to do just a sketch, but when I scanned it I decided to colour it as well.

Three steps for having a perfect birthday:

1.       Eat some apple and carrot cake (or any cake you prefer).

2.       Chit-Chat with good friends (serve them cake if you have any left after step 1.)

3.       Dance!  Bring on some dance moves throughout the day. (Sure people may think you’re crazy, but WHO CARES: It’s time to celebrate!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

(The above is the text I included with the image.)

I intend to create a nice watercolour card out of this image to give to friends this year, but at the moment I need to focus on AIMH, so this sketch will have to do.

I did what I intended, but then I got distracted by messages, e-mail, website notices, etc.

Now its 19:09 and it's far too late for me to go and paint.  I like to start a fresh painting with a fresh and bright mind.  At the moment, I'm feeling sleepy and somewhat hungry.

So, Alex, the point is time slipped away.

Tomorrow, I will paint, I promise!

Love,

M

I Just Joined deviantArt

Dearest Alex,

I've been sitting at this computer the whole day, so this will be short and sweet.

Just wanted to let you know that with my resolution to up marketing of myself and my art, I finally decided to join deviantArt.

Hopefully, tomorrow I'll actually do some art :)

Love,

M

P.S. CANSCAIP is having what looks like a really useful meeting on Wednesday, so hopefully I'll be able to attend.

Playa Costa Verde, Holguin, Cuba 2011

Dearest Alex,

My New Year's present this year was a trip to Playa Costa Verde organized by my parents.  It has been several years now that we've restarted our family vacations, and I've had a marvelous time each time.  However, not one of the times before can compare to the gorgeous weather and the magnificent resort we visited this year.

According to our beach neighbors there is even a more magnificent resort near our resort, a five star resort, but I loved our resort, because our section of the shared beach led to a coral reef (unfortunately dead) surrounded by tropical fish.  For the first time in my life (without having to pay 50 pesos and go on an excursion) I got to swim with tropical fish!  I only wish I had one of those underwater cameras, so I could have captured some of them.  My favourite fish was a very territorial fish, striped like a bee--it had a bluish body, but yellow and black stripes.  The one I saw was tiny, and it was adorable how it would attack other of its kind and keep them away from its tiny section, were it swam mainly in circles.  If you know what kind of fish this is, please let me know.

I have not had an underwater camera, but I did have my out-of-water camera that I got last year.  I'm not a photographer, but according to someone studying photography this camera has impressive functions.  I know little more about photography than changing presented menu options and clicking the button.  So, my photos may not be as impressive, as someone with knowledge could have made them, but I'm including a few of them, so you could get the feel of the beautiful atmosphere I was fortunate enough to visit.

Now it's time to talk about my resolution to sketch on this trip.

I did it.

I've done some sketching, but of course not nearly as much as I should have.  I find I never sketch enough as I should.  The weather was just too beautiful, and the water too inviting.

This first set of sketches were done at Pearson International Airport, while my sister and I waited for our flight (we arrived in Cuba two days before our parents).

These sketches are no more than an inch or so in size.  Tiny gestures, because I have a horrible tendency to get bogged down by details and forget the big gesture.  Therefore, I decided to make them as tiny as possible, and just concentrate on the shape of the gesture.

I can tell my sketching is rusty, because I'm using far too many nitpicking lines.

This next two page spread (I'm using moleskin watercolour paper sketchbook by the way and pilot G4 black pen) is obviously done on the beach.  My drawings are also looser and I like them more than the previous page.   The upper right corner of the first page was done near the lobby bar, where I had the best cappuccinos in my life!

I painted that setting sun, hoping to create more such sketches the following few days at different time periods.  However, I made some friends and my parents came, so I spent more of my time talking than sketching.

More sketching on the beach.  I love the strutting man.  The guy just stood there staring at the ocean flexing his muscles.  That little plant I took great pains with is a smaller version of that photographed tree in the upper section of this blog.  I needed a pencil or a pencil crayon to give more definition to the rocks and sand, but the tonality is there.  I thought I would finish the rocks off when I got home to North York, but now that I'm in Canada and have way too much work hanging over my head as it is, I think I'll let this sketch slide.

After all, that is what sketching is; a moment in time captured on paper.  Going back and fiddling with the sketch a week or more later ruins the spontaneity of the drawing (in this case painting).

These are the last few sketches.  That guy on the left had a very strangely shaped body and I've tried to capture it, but he kept moving and walking behind the tree-umbrella-things.    I like the little boy in the towel.  It is a back view, but you get the sense of a kid just out of the water shaking his head.

And that is it.

That's all the sketching I've done.

Back at home I've continued my work on AIMH, and I've updated my website: www.artofmili.ca to include commissioned art for the first time.  I call it Custom-Art.  Who knows, maybe someone will stumble upon it and ask me to do a portrait?  I miss painting portraits.

Update you later!

M