Dearest Alex,
I'm paralyzed! I woke up this morning intending to go throug my usual routine, or rather, to get back to my usual routine, because I have not gone through my usual routine in over a week, but tennis interfered. Đoković was playing against Murrey, and though I intended to do Pilates to stretch my mind and body, I got distracted. Giving up on Pilates! I prepared breakfast and was about to watch some tennis and enjoy Novak's victory, when he started to loose! He was leading 5 2 in games in the last set, and then Murrey won 3 games! I started to feel sick in my stomach, so I stopped watching. (Few hours later my dad informed me that Nole managed to get into the finals.)
Why am I writing this?
I'm writing this, because this incident probably led to my mental paralysis. That's the problem with being an artists; artists are overly sensitive. We have to be, because when we create art it is not the sensible part of us that is at work, but the wild, crazy, emotional part, that the sensible desperately works to control. When an overly emotional event grips an artist's body, the sensible part looses, and you end up behaving in a way that others commonly identify with the "artistic temperament".
So, the bottom line is that I felt irrationally upset. What does it matter to me who wins and who looses Australian Open? It's not as if my livelyhood depends on tennis outcomes. Nevertheless, there I was my routine disrupted, trying to calm down by playing Dragonvale and reading "Visions in Death" by J. D. Robb.
That should have made me feel better, but instead had me feeling rather inadequate. There I'm reading a book by the author who writes at least 3 or 4 novels a year (maybe more--I don't know how that woman does it), and I cannot finish one measly book.
I also got a critique back from a friend about my novel, and he tells me to chuck my entire opening, because the audience will not care to read it. I understand that people today have little patience with backstory, but the way I wrote the backstory is to set up clues regarding the fantasy universe of my book. It also makes sense to me to include a little of the backstory, because the book is character driven and the characters live in the fantasy worl, so why would they explain bits and pieces of it as the story goes along. They could refer to past events, maybe, but why would they discuss the creation of their universe, when they are neither philosophers, nor scientists? I love my story, and I can see the need for exposition, but others apparently do not, and the key is to find an agent so that I can share my story with the world. Maybe I should just give the chapters without the backstory, and once they read more than a page of my novel, I could discuss with them the need for the backstory with my novel.
What is it with me? Why can't I tread an already beaten path? Nooooo! I have to stubbornly walk in the wilderness of untried uncertainties.
So, here I am: paralyzed. Should I sell out, adjust my tale to fit established parameters, or should I go with my gut, struggle to get this published the way I feel deep in my soul that it should be published? Why can't I be living in the East where people know how to stop, breathe in, and enjoy something beautiful, without asking: "What's going to happen next?"
I'm paralysed; so many things to do, that I sit here doing nothing, because I do not know what to do first. Should I work on my Website and new blog--so that maybe I can draw some customers and raise money for local hospitals? Should I study "Starting an Online Business for Dummies"? Should I work on my article? My Valentine's greeting card? Should I try drawing my portrait again, because the last 7 I did look nothing like me and I'm beginning to fear that drawing cartoons has robbed me of the ability to draw realism? (Portraiture is my thing, I was always admired because I got people to look exactly like themselves, better than a camera could capture, because drawing and painting trends to bring out the subject's soul, while only a few photographers manage to accomplish such a thing on film.). Should I get back to working on AIMH?
I'm waiting for a response from my client, so I'm afraid to get bogged down by a big job that I cannot stop to work on a client's job once they get back to me. However, they are not getting back to me, and my day is almost gone.
Paralysis is a terrible thing Alex. So, I'll say goodbye for now and get back to painting AIMH. It is what I really need to get done. However, I do wish I had a Roy (Walt Disney's brother who took care of the business side, while Walt handled the creative side). It is overwhelming being an artist and a businesswoman at the same time. All I want to do is draw and paint, while instead I'm wasting precious time researching, handling reports and marketing. I may need to hire someone, but I have serious trust issues when it comes to my work.
Ah, paralysis.
M
I'm paralyzed! I woke up this morning intending to go throug my usual routine, or rather, to get back to my usual routine, because I have not gone through my usual routine in over a week, but tennis interfered. Đoković was playing against Murrey, and though I intended to do Pilates to stretch my mind and body, I got distracted. Giving up on Pilates! I prepared breakfast and was about to watch some tennis and enjoy Novak's victory, when he started to loose! He was leading 5 2 in games in the last set, and then Murrey won 3 games! I started to feel sick in my stomach, so I stopped watching. (Few hours later my dad informed me that Nole managed to get into the finals.)
Why am I writing this?
I'm writing this, because this incident probably led to my mental paralysis. That's the problem with being an artists; artists are overly sensitive. We have to be, because when we create art it is not the sensible part of us that is at work, but the wild, crazy, emotional part, that the sensible desperately works to control. When an overly emotional event grips an artist's body, the sensible part looses, and you end up behaving in a way that others commonly identify with the "artistic temperament".
So, the bottom line is that I felt irrationally upset. What does it matter to me who wins and who looses Australian Open? It's not as if my livelyhood depends on tennis outcomes. Nevertheless, there I was my routine disrupted, trying to calm down by playing Dragonvale and reading "Visions in Death" by J. D. Robb.
That should have made me feel better, but instead had me feeling rather inadequate. There I'm reading a book by the author who writes at least 3 or 4 novels a year (maybe more--I don't know how that woman does it), and I cannot finish one measly book.
I also got a critique back from a friend about my novel, and he tells me to chuck my entire opening, because the audience will not care to read it. I understand that people today have little patience with backstory, but the way I wrote the backstory is to set up clues regarding the fantasy universe of my book. It also makes sense to me to include a little of the backstory, because the book is character driven and the characters live in the fantasy worl, so why would they explain bits and pieces of it as the story goes along. They could refer to past events, maybe, but why would they discuss the creation of their universe, when they are neither philosophers, nor scientists? I love my story, and I can see the need for exposition, but others apparently do not, and the key is to find an agent so that I can share my story with the world. Maybe I should just give the chapters without the backstory, and once they read more than a page of my novel, I could discuss with them the need for the backstory with my novel.
What is it with me? Why can't I tread an already beaten path? Nooooo! I have to stubbornly walk in the wilderness of untried uncertainties.
So, here I am: paralyzed. Should I sell out, adjust my tale to fit established parameters, or should I go with my gut, struggle to get this published the way I feel deep in my soul that it should be published? Why can't I be living in the East where people know how to stop, breathe in, and enjoy something beautiful, without asking: "What's going to happen next?"
I'm paralysed; so many things to do, that I sit here doing nothing, because I do not know what to do first. Should I work on my Website and new blog--so that maybe I can draw some customers and raise money for local hospitals? Should I study "Starting an Online Business for Dummies"? Should I work on my article? My Valentine's greeting card? Should I try drawing my portrait again, because the last 7 I did look nothing like me and I'm beginning to fear that drawing cartoons has robbed me of the ability to draw realism? (Portraiture is my thing, I was always admired because I got people to look exactly like themselves, better than a camera could capture, because drawing and painting trends to bring out the subject's soul, while only a few photographers manage to accomplish such a thing on film.). Should I get back to working on AIMH?
I'm waiting for a response from my client, so I'm afraid to get bogged down by a big job that I cannot stop to work on a client's job once they get back to me. However, they are not getting back to me, and my day is almost gone.
Paralysis is a terrible thing Alex. So, I'll say goodbye for now and get back to painting AIMH. It is what I really need to get done. However, I do wish I had a Roy (Walt Disney's brother who took care of the business side, while Walt handled the creative side). It is overwhelming being an artist and a businesswoman at the same time. All I want to do is draw and paint, while instead I'm wasting precious time researching, handling reports and marketing. I may need to hire someone, but I have serious trust issues when it comes to my work.
Ah, paralysis.
M
