DESPAIR

"I do not care much for Despair,

But Despair cares for me.

He dragged me into darkness

(There!)

In all his cruelty."

Dearest Alex,

The last few weeks have not been good.

I keep missing my grandfather, and I wake up from miserable dreams desperately unhappy.  It does not help that my new therapy is making me break out again, and now I have some weird red-rash-looking-thing on my drawing hand.  I know my naturopath said it will take time, but I'm tired of fighting.

You know how when you watch movies, or read books, you hear that expression (I'm paraphrasing here): "Life is crap, but at least you have your health."

I have not had my health for a very long time.  It's terrible to complain, because there are people so much worse off than I am, but though I'm not terminally ill, I have not been well for years.  A decade maybe.  I can't remember the last time there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.

So, I'm sad.

I try to work, but these past few days I can't see the point.  Does anyone care about anything I do?  I know my family cares.  I know my close friends care, but does anyone else?

I'm a ridiculously good artist.  I know I can be better, and I will improve with age like fine wine--that's the way of a hard working artist, but how can I be an artist when I'm too tired and miserable to draw.  Some would say that I should take this misery and pour it into my work, but I do not want to do that.  I do not want to share, and therefore spread, misery.  I want to make other people happy.  I want to solve world problems.  I want to make this world a better place.

Perhaps it is too much to ask, but if I give up, why should others fight either?

I wish I was stronger.

At the moment, I can't get the image in my mind onto paper.  It looks wrong.  No matter what I do, it looks wrong.

Perhaps tomorrow, if I can get some sleep tonight, I'll be able to figure out what it is that I'm doing wrong.

My article on sketching is roughed out, but I want to find some images to illustrate my point, so it may take me a few days more to finish.

On the bright side, I have sold a few more prints, and maybe soon I'll be able to donate my first check to Sick Kids.  It's not much, but every little bit helps.  Maybe when people out there figure out I exist, I'll be able to raise more funds.

Talk to you later.

M